Friends? How many of us have them?

I have started this blog over about 10 times. I keep trying to edit what I say, as to not offend anyone. I finally stopped and told myself. There is no way to say what I want to say without hurting someones feelings - So, I put on my big girl panties, got myself some chocolate and a drink and sat down to write this blog. I just hope that everyone realizes that this is just me venting and I am not speaking of just one in particular person. (short version? Don't assume this blog is about you) 

Over the last few years, I have had major ups and downs with so many different people. Some who know me inside and out. Some who I trust with all my heart and soul. I pour every ounce of me into these friendships. I think maybe, sometimes I can love too much. If that is even possible? I don't know what it is I do, but I always find a way to push people away. 

The definition of friend is as follows:

friend

  

(Noun)

A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

So this means; someone you care about? Someone you love? Someone you like? 

Then why is it, that I never see or hear from any of my friends? My phone used to go off the hook with text messages, picture mail, emails, IM's, FB comments/status updates, twitter etc. I would have play dates and lunch. An occasional dinner or girls night. Not anymore. I wish someone would tell me why. Is it because I have two kids? Yea, maybe. Is it because people always ASSUME I am busy? More than likely. Is it because I don't talk to them much anymore, so they assume I don't want to hang out? DING DING!

I struggle to keep in contact with people from my past. I miss them, I love them. I want to hear about their day, I want to know how their kids are doing. I want to know simply, how their day was. So what do I do about it?

I send out a text - nothing.

I email them - nothing. 

I IM them - nothing.

I comment on a picture - nothing. 

I stop for a minute and ask myself, why am I friends with this person? If I have to FIGHT for an ounce of their attention, is it even a friendship? Why do I have to sit and cry because I feel rejected? Is it fair that I feel empty and lonely? 

I understand that people get busy. Shit, I am busy all the time, but 99% of the time - if someone texts me - I answer it. If someone emails me - I write them back. I will admit I am awful with responding to IM's, but the good thing is that it sends it as a message to me in FB and I always answer emails. I always try to respond to every picture comment/status comment - whatever it is. I am not, by any means, saying I am a better friend than anyone. I know I have my faults - but I have worked really hard to become the person I am today.

No one really knows the struggles I went through before and after I was diganosed with Bipolar disorder - but then again, no one really asked about it. 

I am seconds away from deleting my social media sites on numerous occasions, but it is not fair to those who ARE true to me. To those who DO put an effort into friendships. 


Anyway, I have hit the point in my blog where its nothing but rambling nonsense. So here is what I ask of you - What do you want from me? What can I do to make myself a better friend? Is our time as friends over? Should we just let go and move on? (I will be letting go of a few soon and some people might be surprised when they see the list when i'm done with it.)


On that note - I am off to bed to pray for my family. Thank you to those of you who were there for me today. Although I didn't speak of the troubles, you all respected my wishes and didn't ask what was going on. Just that you would pray. I appreciate that more than you will ever know.